How user research made my relationships juicier

And how it changed my point of view on human connection.

Communication: a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior. -Merriam-Webster.

Meaning: the thing that is conveyed especially by language. -Merriam-Webster

Interesting. “Common systems”, “language”, “meaning” — do we all have the same baseline? And are we fully “exchanging”?

The Setup

“Check your own biases” they said. Got it. What does that even mean?

In 2015, I had the privilege to lead the design portion of an experimental project for Macys.com. Our small team of 2 designers, one product manager, and 3 developers would relocate to the Pivotal Labs offices to get immersed in their version of lean product development. The desired outcome was to build and ship a new shopping platform in 3–5 months and share our learning to influence and help move the larger macys.com team towards modernized ways to build products.

This project might not have changed macys.com, but it changed me. It showed me how I could build rich and juicy relationships that are creative, uplifting, and empowering–all through communication and human connection.

My Research Training

A big part of our training was around user research. For this story, I will focus on the actual user interview portion of the user research process.

After listening-in to a few interviews, I was challenged to start leading my own. This was when my view on human relationships started to expand.

Some tips were given to conduct unbiased and successful interviews:

• Organize a listening room so everyone on your team can listen in. Make sure someone else takes notes so you can focus on the conversation.
• Make the interviewee feel at ease.
• Understand their context.
• Know what you want to get out of this conversation, but don’t ask a list of questions.
• Listen intently. Don’t assume. Confirm and clarify.
• Move with the conversation. Don’t break the flow.
• Don’t ask leading questions.
• Dig in areas of the conversation that feel juicy.
• Use the magic wand.
• Thank the interviewee. Make them feel like they helped.

Check, check, check. I’m ready. Let’s start this interview.

Along with being very nervous, I felt the pressure to make sure I had all these directives in mind while conducting the interview. Needless to say that my first interview was a mere okay. All started to flow on interview two–when these principles started to make sense.

“Hi, my name is Melissa. I’m the lead designer for a new shopping platform. I’m really excited to chat with you today. This is my colleague Nonie who will be taking notes during our conversation. We all really appreciate your time. Throughout this session, the more information you can give me, the better. There are no right or wrong answers. All information you give us will be super useful and will help us build a really great platform. And really, we’re just here to discover together and have fun. Sounds good?”

I smile. I lean back. They smile, their shoulders relax, they lean back. Make the interviewee feel at ease: check. Creating a safe, comfortable space for people to open up and speak freely is crucial for gathering genuine, authentic feedback–the kind of feedback you really want.

Creating a safe, comfortable space for people to open up and speak freely is crucial for gathering genuine, authentic feedback–the kind of feedback you really want.

“Tell me about yourself.”

We start the conversation with a high-level overview of their life experience. Their age, where they live, what they do for a living, their lifestyle, etc. We dig a little more into the experiences and points of view that might influence their decision-making regarding our product. Understand your users’ context: check.

We then transition into the core of our conversation. I’m careful not to ask leading questions and not to slide in some personal biased comments. Leading questions imply your desired answer in the phrasing, tone, or even non-verbal communication of the question itself. For example, if you ask, “Would you like to see product recommendations while shopping?” of course, the interviewee will answer yes. Using such feedback is a risk for product development since it was directed and skewed by the interviewer, and therefore not honest. Instead, ask interviewees what helps them make buying decisions or what other information would help them in their shopping journey. If they don’t bring up your feature in the conversation, this indicates that what you’re building might not be as useful as you thought. But most importantly, you open up the conversation to other solutions that would be useful to them, that you had not thought of yet.

You open up the conversation to other solutions that you had not thought of yet.

Through these conversations, I knew what kind of information I was looking for but never went through a list of robotic questions. There’s something magic in creating a fluid conversation where, as the interviewer, you build on to the last thing said. It’s very similar to the “yes, and” improvisation technique. In improvisation, this “yes, and” game requires actors to accept their fellow actors’ ideas, build on them, and find a way to go with the flow–which is crucial on an improv stage. In the interview situation, fluid conversations let your interviewee know that you are listening, that they are being heard. This creates an environment of safety and creativity, and in turn, empowers them to share more. If you go down a list of questions, breaking the conversation flow, the user will feel uneasy and retract.

Fluid conversations let your interviewee know that you are listening, that they are being heard. This creates an environment of safety and creativity, and in turn, empowers them to share more.

“Tell me more.”

When we get to a subject that seems charged with emotion or when an answer feels like it stands on many layers, I dig in a little deeper. Phrases such as “tell me more” “why do you think that is?” “can you clarify …?” “am I hearing that …?” “what else?” can help move the conversation through the different layers of depth. Here is where you can extract a lot of valuable information. I often say to colleagues, “listen for the gold.” These moments are the setup. Look for them and dig for the gold.

“If you had a magic wand, what would be the best experience for you?”

Unleash people’s imagination. Remove the restrictions. When there is no restriction, there’s room for creation. When you get invited into these moments, you get more in touch with people’s contexts–you get to see their real needs and desires.

When you get invited into moments of creation, you get more in touch with people’s contexts.

“Thank you so much for your time. Everything you shared with us is beyond valuable and will really help us build a great product.”

Make the interviewee not only feel heard but like they are part of building something big. Make them feel like they are part of the team and that their opinion and voice matter. If your interviewee is a customer, they will naturally keep sending you feedback, even when you don’t ask for it.

Here’s the Real Learning

After conducting many such interviews, I started feeling really connected with the people I was interviewing. I started seeing how creating safe spaces, not judging, listening, and following the conversation flow was translating into great conversations and great human learning experiences.

I naturally started using these techniques in my everyday life. Now, this is the gold.

Making people feel comfortable, not judging, listening, and following the conversation flow translated into great human learning experiences.

As a designer, this showed up in my day to day interactions. In facilitating discovery, design, or review sessions, I started inviting people from different backgrounds, experiences, and points of view. During sessions, I removed my biases, listened, and guided conversations instead of dictating them. I made everyone feel at ease, created safe spaces, and thanked them for their time and input. This resulted in diverse and honest feedback. People felt like they were part of building something big, they felt privileged to know these projects were brewing, and most importantly, they felt heard.

People felt like they were part of building something big, and most importantly, they felt heard.

In conversations with colleagues, employees, bosses, and clients, I made sure I was always creating safe spaces and not placing judgment. I started using the “tell me more” technique more. This moved our relationships into ones of creation, where digging for gold really helped us solve problems together, support each other, and understand each other better.

Our relationships became ones of creation, which helped us solve problems together, support each other, and better understand each other.

The same happened in conversations with family, friends, neighbors, business owners. All of my relationships became richer, juicier. People started opening up to me. I started opening up to them. I started seeing people for who they were. I ended up loving and appreciating them more. I was understanding their context without judgment nor bias. I was listening to them. They felt seen and heard. The doors to creation opened.

I started seeing people for who they were.

What if we all trained ourselves to engage more with people in our lives, in our communities. What if we got more curious about people. What if we got more curious about ourselves, how we interact, how we react, and why. What if we approached all relationships with the understanding that we all have different contexts and that meaning is a personal and unique concept.

What if instead of robotically saying “how’s your day”, we really meant it. What if we empathically empowered people who don’t speak up to do so, and genuinely and lovingly brought human awareness to conversations where it lacks. What if we left all our egos at the door, opened up and connected to other humans.

I see a world where we build richer communities, stronger relationships, create together, build solutions together, support each other, and uplift each other. From the morning salutations with the garbage collector, to the empowering sendoff of your daughter to school, to the brainstorm with your colleagues, to the support for a coworker, to the call to a friend, and to the conversation shared with the person without a home on your way back.

Well, I can only start with me. And if you didn’t get this by now, that’s what I’m doing. I’m so ready to create.

— 
Let’s remember, we’re all human.
Melissa